obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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