Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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