I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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