Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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