i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
