he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
