Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
