help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
