Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
