I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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