the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
