He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
