Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
