just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
