Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
