He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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