I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
