I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I will die if light touches me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
