Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
