so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
