the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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