my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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