nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
