The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
