Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
