did you get engaged???
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
