im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
