Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
