We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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