need another drink. this is the easiest way
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
