you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
