Where is the hickey?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
