Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
