I'm so fucking centered right now
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
