i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
