remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
