Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
