I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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