I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
