dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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