I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
