Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
