just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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