i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
