I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
