Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Randomize
