Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
never play flip cup with pint glasses
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
