Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
