oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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