Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He passed out mid-signature
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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