He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Randomize
