Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
