He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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