ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
